I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
