how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
bring money and cleavage
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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