I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
