I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
