Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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