Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
