I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
