do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
