i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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