OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
