I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
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