Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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