Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
