If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
