I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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