Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
sex in a hospital.. check
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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