I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
