My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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