Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
