God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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