I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
