Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
