You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
