She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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