I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
