So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
