just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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