my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
