I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
