dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize