Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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