so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
