I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
