How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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