Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
