White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
