Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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