don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
