I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well I just put wine in my tea
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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