If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
