you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
