Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
