she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
