dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
