M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
