dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
