But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
