I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
