I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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