We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
