The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
