My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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