I smell stomach acid.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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