her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize